HERE"S TO ME!

I have a crisis at hand.

A clash of interests, so to speak. My parents have always wanted me to become a staid bureaucrat, while I've always wanted to do something that has equal doses of the crazies and the creative. But as the ever dutiful son I tried to walk their way until it all came down a few weeks earlier.

I had been preparing for the UPSC, the biggest civil service exam in India. And truth be told I was not doing such a bad job at it either. However, the seriousness of the situation hit me like a sledge hammer to my guts- it was not just about one exams, or three for that matter, but an entire lifetime!

I thought, and thought and thought... God knows I thought! LOL. And finally I decided that I'd fling all thoughts of consequences to the wind and make a heart wrenching announcement. I was not going to write the exams because that was not what I really wanted.

Needless to say their response was understandable and expected. Alarm, followed by disbelief, followed by a horrible comprehension, and finally a sense of betrayal and utter abandonment. It hurt.

I had found what I wanted to do. I wanted to become a writer- photographer. That was like telling them that I'd decided not to become a respectable and powerful man; instead I'd become someone who does not have steady paychecks and is rather crazy. Ah, the sound of their hearts breaking made me feel like a blood drinking heathen.

That was just my parents. The bandwagon of relatives and friends had not even started yet with their endless pronouncements of doom foretold. But I believe that hearts should not be broken without causes. And once they are you should not go and act the fool by trying to mend them, because they are already broken. Just follow through and believe in your decision and yourself.

My parents are not talking to me properly, yet. And it will take more than a few months for them to even come to terms with my decision, let alone embrace it. But I know pretty well that i play the part of the villain here, and so I'll bear. I for my part am happy that I've finally found the guts to be honest with myself and my parents.

I'm not very good at either writing or photography. But I have very less doubts because I do not feel guilty or self condemning when I write or take pictures. Instead they make me feel contained and expansive all at once. So I have decided that I'll stick with them for good :-)

The reason why I write this personal entry is because I'd like to raise a toast to this new and strange turn that I've found myself at. Hopeful, scared, dreamy eyed and mouth agape. Someday I'll know whether I made the right choice, but no matter what I find, for me this will always be the most honest one that I made.

Cheers!